Anger, rage and eternal truths
A client recently discussed how their annoyance with dishes being left on the sink, led to an argument, that led to ultimatums of leaving the relationship.
This client has an old belief that they are not good enough, something is wrong with them and they do not deserve happiness. This belief tends to come out in anxious or angry moments of significant intensity. We guess this belief was learnt in early childhood and has had lots of practice over the years.
At the time of the argument this belief system was active and they said some pretty mean things to the other person and themselves.
You may notice I regularly refer to the research from Compassion Focussed Therapy. (Paul Gilbert, Deborah Lee, Chris Irons etc). They very cleverly describe our mind, not as one unified system but as a number of different minds with different motivations, emotions, cognitions and behaviours.
One mind that is of relevance here is the threat mind- i.e. looking to for the fastest escape from threat as possible. This part of the mind reduces options to 1 or 2 possibiltities to allow for the quickest decision making and the fastest escape.
Wonderfully useful if you are about to be eaten by a T-rex. (don't see many of those anymore).
Back to our example. At the time of the argument our client started to say "you see, I knew this was not the right relationship, I can never have a relationship". Even after calming down she continued to believe that the hurtful things that were said in the argument demonstrated how terrible the relationship is.
I don't know if this is the relationship for her, if it will last a short time, long time or any other question about the future.
What I did think was useful though, was exploring how the mean stuff came out at the end of the argument when tempers were running hot.
In that frame of mind we can assume the threat mind was dominant. the rest of the mind probably turned off. Remember the threat mind is looking for the quickest fastest escape from a fearful event. It does not know the difference between being eaten by a T-rex and the crushing feeling of abandonment and rejection from losing a relationship, it just knows how to get away from the situation as quick as possible. As such it offers 2 old solutions to our client "get out, you are useless" (to themself) and "you are suffocating and controlling me, get away I hate you" (to the other). Really effective statements to stop further discussion about dishes.
In that moment the threat mind successfully stops the argument. Job done as far as it is concerned.
The client calms down and believes the statements as eternal truths about herself and the relationship and so the relationship likely falls to pieces.
Unfortunately no learning has taken place. By ending the relationship, our client has not learnt anything about who they are, how to negotiate dishes, house tasks, how to accept responsibility, delegate responsibility, acknowledge our shortcomings or acknowledge our strengths.
They have simply learnt that when all hell breaks loose, look I knew that eternal truth, I am no good and don't deserve to be happy.
Rewind slightly, if they are able to realise the final part of the argument was simply the threat mind looking for a quick exit. We might invite a bit of space away from "I am no good". We might be able to invite a bit more curiosity to the values that were important to each person at different points in the conversation/ argument, we might be able to see different aspects of what they both brought to the table, inviting possible insights and different behaviour to experiment with next time.
They may find through that curiosity they find themselves in a stronger more fulfilling relationship.
Or
They may still decide they are not for each other, but they might decide that through careful experimenting and recognition they hold different values. That kind of an ending would be so much more helpful to our client.
